It’s official, being a mom is the hardest thing I have EVER done.  The constant worry about whether or not I’m doing everything right is just incredible.  I can’t imagine how single parents do it without a support system.  As if the worry wasn’t enough, there’s also the comparing of yourself as a mother to other moms and the guilt that comes when you realize you’ve made different choices for your child and family.  I always said I wasn’t going to be “one of those moms” who cares what other moms think, but it’s inevitable, it just happens.

8 weeks into motherhood, I’ve realized a lot of things that I’d never really thought much about.  Consider these my confessions…or ramblings because I’m sleep deprived…you decide.

• I would give anything to be a stay at home mom.  I love my job as a teacher and I enjoy spending my days with my students, but this new little addition to our family has changed me.  I’ve never been real keen on “sitting around the house”, but the thought of leaving my little man every morning and only getting to spend a few hours with him in the afternoons and evenings is killing me…and I don’t even have to go back for 3 more weeks.  I’m not at all worried about leaving him because I have the best nanny I could ever ask for and I know he’ll be in the loving and most capable hands of my sister, but still…I want to stay home.  I know that we’ll get there in a few years and I’ll be able to stay home with PJM and our future children, but I’m not known for my patience ;).
• Breastfeeding is hard.  It has been hard from day one.  Either me or PJM just didn’t get it and I quit nursing him our first week home.  I made the decision at that point that I was going to pump and give him my milk from a bottle and it works great.  I’d be lying if I said I loved this whole ordeal though.  I hate sitting there attached to a pump several times a day.  I never feel like I’m pumping enough (both in the amount of time I sit there or in the quantity that I get) and in addition to washing his 8 bottles a day, there’s all the pump equipment to wash as well.  I’ve already had 2 breast infections (both in the first 6 weeks) and it is undoubtedly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced (yes, more so than childbirth itself and migraines).  As a result of the most recent infection, I lost my whole stash of frozen milk because the antibiotics I was given made the little guy sick.  Who knew feeding a baby could be so difficult.
• Along those same lines, I’ve almost sold myself on transitioning PJM from breastmilk to formula.  I can’t imagine how I’m going to fit pumping into my work day. I already have to get up at 4:45 every morning just to get myself dressed and out the door in time and I can’t imagine getting up any earlier than that to fit in a morning pumping session before I leave the house.  And pumping during “down time” at school…what down time?  It doesn’t help that all you hear or read today almost makes you feel like if don’t give your child breastmilk you’re doing them a disservice and they’ll never be as good, smart, or healthy as those babies who do receive it.  Talk about pressure.  I just feel so guilty.  I know breastmilk is best, but at what point is mom’s sanity a high enough concern to be taken into consideration?
• I’ve always looked forward to Matt coming home from work, but now, even more so.  I love my baby and I can’t imagine a better way to spend my days, but by the time 5:00 rolls around each afternoon, I’m ready for a break.  Even if it is just another set of hands to change diapers and handle feedings, it gives me time to cook supper and wash bottles without having to worry about my little guy needing something from me.
• Bedtime is a glorious time of day.  One of the hardest parts of transitioning into parenthood has been the lack of time Matt and I get to spend together.  When we put PJM to bed in the evenings its like we finally have a chance to chat…if we can stay awake!

I’ve always pictured myself as a mom and dreamed of what it would be like, and even with the stresses, difficulties, and lack of sleep, I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life right now.  I know that in reality, what I feed my baby doesn’t matter and neither does what other people think.  What matters is that I’m doing what’s best for my family.  At the end of the day, what I have to remind myself of is that we have shelter (a beautiful house that we’ve made a loving home), we have access to great healthcare, he is loved (by so, so many people!), and he will grow up covered in prayer knowing God’s unwavering love for him.  That’s what matters!

Where in the world have the last 4 weeks gone?  In some ways it seems like its been the longest 4 weeks of my life and in so many other ways, it seems like the last 4 weeks have absolutely flown by.  It feels like just yesterday our little Parker was being laid on my chest for the very first time, that we were leaving the hospital, that my parents were saying goodbye, etc…but then again, I almost feel like he’s been here with us forever.  Even though I’m exhausted and would give anything to sleep more than 3 hours at a time, I wouldn’t change a thing about the last few weeks.

Other than feeding every 2.5 to 3 hours and a pretty solid “bedtime” routine, we don’t have much more of anything that resembles a routine.  Matt leaves for work around 7 every morning and PJM and I  are usually up around 7:15 or 7:30 for the day.  He takes a bottle at that time and pretty much goes back to sleep for a pretty solid 2 hours.  I’m still trying to find the motivation to use that time in the mornings to wash bottles from the night before and take a shower, but most mornings, going back to sleep usually wins.  During the day PJM pretty much just eats and sleeps, but we’re beginning to see a lot more awake time during the day which is lots of fun!  Before his last bottle of the day, we have bath time – which he LOVES, have a bottle, and then rock to sleep for the night.  His first stretch of sleep is the longest of the night, usually close to 3.5 hours.  I’m still trying to make myself go to bed when he goes to bed, but so far, that hasn’t happened.  I usually end up doing laundry, picking up the house, watching TV, and of course wasting time on the computer.

Enough rambling…here’s the little guy over the last 4 weeks…

Right after we brought PJM home

1 week old

2 weeks old

3 weeks old

4 weeks old

Parker James, we love you so much and are so thrilled to now be a family of 3!  We are very slowly figuring things out and learning our new normal.  You have changed our lives so much in just four short weeks and while I don’t wish away these days with you as a little guy, I can’t wait to watch you grow up and see who you become!

Thursday morning, December 2nd, we began preparing everything to leave the hospital and take our baby boy home with us.  It was a busy morning getting everything packed up and being discharged from the hospital seemed to take forever, but before we knew it, our little Parker was in his car seat and we were on our way home!  Leaving the hospital was downright scary.  I knew we had great help in my parents waiting for us at home, but knowing that we were now FULLY responsible for this little baby was extremely overwhelming.  I’m not gonna lie…I cried a good chunk of the way home, both happy tears to finally have our little baby, but also nervous tears for what was to come.

all ready to go home in his special outfit!

not thrilled about the carseat…

first family picture at home!

all nice & comfy with Chief!

Kappy has the magic touch!

Even Gigi & Jake stopped by to welcome Parker home!

Once we got home, it was kinda surreal.  We pretty much did nothing except sit around holding him and staring at him.  I was so glad to be home and be able to actually relax.  I was in a lot of pain and just generally uncomfortable, but it felt great to just be at home.

The night Parker was born seemed to never end.  After getting him all cleaned up and letting our family in to see us for a few minutes, Matt took him down to the nursery to get checked out and have his first bath.  My parents stayed in the room with me and eventually took all of our stuff down to the recovery room where Parker and I would spend the rest of our hospital stay.  On the way to the new room, the nurse wheeled me past the nursery and I got to see him through the windows for a few minutes.

After getting settled into the new room, I enjoyed a lovely “dinner” of saltine crackers and sprite.  Because it was so late, everything at the hospital was closed, so even though I was absolutely starving, there was no real food available till morning.  While Parker was in the nursery for several hours, Matt and I tried to get settled and get a few hours of sleep…Matt slept like a rock, but the nurses kept “checking” on me and I think I might have slept about 30 minutes.  Around 3:30 AM the baby nurses brought Parker to our room and it was time to feed him.  Feeding him was rough…I was exhausted, he was sleepy and didn’t want to be bothered, my nurse was not real helpful, and Matt was sound asleep.  As happy as I was to have my baby in my arms, our first night together was a bit stressful.

Early the next morning, my parents, Jillie, and Jake arrived to see the sweet little angel.  My mom brought breakfast (thankfully!) and Jillie and Jake brought Parker’s welcome wreath to hang on the door of the hospital room.  Matt’s mom and sister showed up around lunch time, his dad and Rick & Trisha Clark (from church) came later that afternoon, and then our good friends, the Speights, Blackburn’s, and Holmes came that evening.  Monica, Hannah, Rachel, Becky, Bonny, Harrison, Nana, Papa, and Michelle all came that evening and by the end of the day, Parker had been oohed and awed over and we were all exhausted.

Chris, Matt’s dad & Parker

Wade & Wendi with Parker

the Blackburn’s and Speights

Becky, Bonny, Harrison, & Jillie

Sandy, Matt’s mom

Danielle, Matt’s sister